What's a Pastor to Do When Struggling With Loneliness & Moral Failure?

 What's a Pastor to Do When Struggling With Loneliness
& Moral Failure?

Pastoral Ministry: Healing the Walking Wounded

by Dawn Irons, M.A., LPC

    This article is part 2 of a series that I began last month. I was looking at the top 10 reasons pastors quit working in ministry:

• Discouragement
• Failure
• Loneliness
• Moral Failure
• Financial Pressure
• Anger
• Burnout
• Physical Health
• Marriage/Family Problems
• Too Busy/Driven

    In part one of this series I discussed the issues pastors face with discouragement and failure. In this issue I will be discussing what goes on when pastors deal with loneliness and moral failure.

Loneliness

Seventy percent (70%) of pastors say they do not have someone they consider a close friend in whom they can confide.

    There is an old adage that says, "If you put me on a pedestal the only thing I can do is fall." No one can stand forever on a pedestal.  Many Christ-followers have highly esteemed their pastors and ministerial staff. This is not a bad thing, in and of itself. Even the Apostle Paul encouraged other believers to "follow me as I follow Christ." But there is a danger in this place of being highly esteemed as well. 

    One of two things will typically happen when a pastor is held in high esteem by his congregation:

    1)    His ego is stroked and there is a tendency to become prideful. Pride breeds nothing good. A pastor who emotionally feeds into the praise of his congregation will come face-to-face with burnout quickly. When a pastor feels needed he will often lax, his boundaries, which is a fatal mistake. When pastoral boundaries lax his family and ministry will suffer immeasurable loss.

    2)    A wise pastor will be gracious to accept compliments, but also be quick to give God the credit and acknowledge that he faces the same battle the people in his church do and that is why we must depend on the Spirit of God to empower us. This is a fine line. It will require being gracious, honest and vulnerable. It is a difficult thing for a pastor to share a level of transparency with his congregation. Wisdom must be utilized so as not to be overly transparent. Congregants are all on their own spiritual journey. Some can handle knowing the pastor struggles and some cannot.  These details are all a part of maturing and discipleship. But still, some level of transparency should be utilized with great discernment.

    Pastors often feel lonely because they often help carry burdens of many people. This requires a level of confidentiality on his part. If he were to just share his heart with various staff members about different situations, it becomes its own form of gossip. So there is a catch-22.  A pastor needs to have close friendships who can be as "iron sharpening iron" and yes, due to many reasons, pastors are not able to do so within their own churches. This can become very isolating and lonely to pastors. Most pastors have hundreds of acquaintances, but very few close friends.

So what is a pastor to do? 

    I highly recommend pastors locate a Celebrate Recovery program that is designed specifically "for pastors only". This will create a genuine support group of other pastors where they know what you are going through. It is a safe place where you can vent, unload the cares of your heart and confess the areas of your struggles and find accountability. In this environment that level of transparency is safe, does not involve people in your congregation, and may be the outlet you need for someone to finally pastor the pastor. 

Moral Failure

    Christianity Today did a survey with pastors who could answer anonymously. This survey showed that 40% of the pastors who had taken the survey had admitted to infidelity or being sexually indiscreet with someone in their congregation.  Of that 40%, only 7% of the pastors said their churches ever found about it.

    Could it be that loneliness and moral failure are related?  Where there is loneliness and isolation there is also a lack of accountability. Another study of pastors done by Dr. Mark Laaser, Ph.D showed that 40% of pastors admitted to looking at online pornography. One-third of those said they had viewed a pornographic website in the last 30 days.

    Laaser's study of pastors revealed that pastors admitted to having an addiction problem in the following areas:

•  88%  addicted to WORK (being a work-a-holic ) 
•  38% having an addiction to food25% having an addiction to caffeine
• 19% having an addiction to alcohol
• 6% addicted to nicotine
• 6% addicted to excessive spending

What do we do for our warriors who are walking wounded?

    Eighty-eight percent of pastors studied were shown to struggle with depression and anxiety. These results are not adding up to a recipe for spiritual growth and health.

Accountability is crucial

    Pastors need to have a safe place to work through their struggles. Many pastors felt they could not turn to denominational leadership for help for fear of losing their jobs.  This creates a catch-22 problem for churches.  Yes, pastors in crisis need to be able to reach out for help without fear of automatic punitive reprimand. They need to seek restoration.  At the same time, a pastor who is actively committing adultery does not need to be preaching from the pulpit, but rather privately removed and restoration sought through counseling. Healing will be needed for the family in a situation like this. This is not the time for the church to just fire the pastor and throw the wife and kids to the curb with him. 

    Satan loves silence. As long as our wounded warriors-of-the-Cross are suffering in silence they see no hope of freedom. 

Confession, Restoration & Reconciliation

    For the pastor who is out there and struggling in a situation where they don't know where to turn for help, remember this… God is not through you with you yet.  He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.  What Satan means to destroy you, may be the very launch pad to your freedom. But that requires a brutally honest inventory of what your struggles are. Are you willing to be transparent and vulnerable and seek accountability-possibly with other pastors? The statistics are sobering.  Forty percent-that is almost half of the pastors in ministry.  Chances are you are not the only one and you will find relief and restoration after confession and seeking accountability.

    The church needs more Nathans and Ananias':  Nathan who would love you enough to say, "You are the man" if you fail to confess your sin and struggles, and Ananias who would say to you after complete repentance and restoration, "Brother Saul…". And we all know how that story ends! Brother Saul became the Apostle Paul and the acts of the church are still moving forward to this day!

    Again, God is not though with you yet. In fact, this just may be your beginning!  There is help and there is hope.

Resources:

The Nathan Project: Developing & Maintaining Sexual Integrity in Counseling and Ministry
Staff trainings available by Hope Harbor Counseling.
www.HopeHarborDFW.com
972.804.2876

www.CelebrateRecovery.com (ask for pastors-only groups)

www.faithfulandtrue.com with Mark and Debbie Laaser

www.covenanteyes.com