Loving & Living With Someone Who Has Bipolar Disorder

by Dawn Irons, M.A., LPC

 There is much written in medical journals about bipolar disorder. We know the symptoms and diagnostic criteria. There are literally volumes of books written on bipolar disorder, but I have rarely come across material to help people of those who love and live with family members who suffer from bipolar disorder.

 Do you recall the movie TWISTER from the 90’s? The movie depicted storm-chasers in their quest of seeing and studying an F-5 tornado. The F-5 tornado in the movie was nick-named “The Defender of God”. The destruction was deadly. The tornado brought devastation and destruction that had no equal comparison. There are few survivors of a tornado of this magnitude.  And now you may be wondering what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder?  I want you to imagine what you would do in the instant you get a warning that a tornado was on the ground and within a half-mile of your home.  Close your eyes and sit with that image for a moment. What do you do?

 Now, imagine one step further. What if you had no notice at all? What if, while you were at home, a tornado dropped out of nowhere and you had no advance warning-- what would you do then?  No warning, no preparation, just basic survival instinct—what would you do?  This is how many loved ones of a person suffering with bipolar describe their daily lives at home.

 One mother actually used the image of the tornado.  She said, “I live 24/7 with a tornado on the ground in my home. I never know what I am going to find when I come home.” She described the sheer terror and torment of loving someone with all her heart whom she also lived in fear of—for her own safety and the safety of the bipolar adolescent.

 Another family describes having to arrive home an hour before the rest of the children got home from school to make sure their child with bipolar disorder had not committed suicide and been left for the siblings to find.  Suicidal attempts and self -harming behaviors are common problems for those suffering from bipolar disorder--and were a constant battle with this family. The mom also described how in an instant the suicidal thoughts could turn to violent behaviors towards other family members. Ultimately this family had to install an internal alarm system in their home to sound a siren when the child’s bedroom door or window was opened so the family would be alerted to the child’s movements because no one ever knew if she would be suicidal or inflict harm to someone else in the family.

 The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recently reported that research has improved the ability to diagnose bipolar disorder in children and teens. Prior to this recent research, children and teens with bipolar disorder were diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder --and the official bipolar diagnosis was reserved for those over the age of 21.

 Adults suffering with bipolar often have similarly frightening displays of symptoms. An eleven- year-old boy described how court-ordered visitations with his mother, who suffers from bipolar, left him feeling like he was having to parent his parent and monitor her safety with her frequent suicidal threats. He learned when her episodes were bad to go across the street to the convenience store and have the clerk call the police.  They would transport him to his father’s home and the police would be the adult-help to check on the safety of his mother.  This was a survival skill for the boy, but it provided a written report for the court to show the depth of damage being done to the child with unsupervised visitation with a mother who was not medication-compliant with her illness.

 Another common display of bipolar symptoms that affect the family is out-of-control and compulsive spending during the manic phase of the illness. Many families have lost their homes, filed bankruptcy and even lost their marriages due to the inability of knowing how to live with a constant tornado on the ground that is ravaging destruction in their homes on a daily basis.

So what is a family to do?

•  Develop a family safety plan during a time when the loved one’s bipolar symptoms are manageable and they are not acting out
•  Educate the family by attending a support group for family members of bipolar loved ones
• Get the bipolar loved one to sign consent forms (if they are 18 or older) for their medical professionals to be able to discuss their medical condition with the family members.  Often times when a bipolar loved one goes to a medical appointment they often report that “things are fine” because they have acclimated that the behaviors have become their normal. But the perspective of a family member of what home-life is like from a different point of view may be beneficial to both doctor and family.
• Set clear and firm boundaries of what will be acceptable and what is not—and be consistent with the consequences of broken boundaries
• Have a preventative plan of action in place of how to encounter bipolar anger. It will surface. You want to know, and have practiced, how to handle such situations so as not to escalate the problem by responding from your own initial shock and anger.
• Seek family counseling. It is helpful to have someone from outside the family offer perspective and insights that will help the family maintain effective communication, problem-solving skills, and to develop safety plans and family contracts. It also is helpful for spouses, siblings, etc. to have their own point of view and feelings heard and understood by someone who can validate their experience and help give them survival tools to navigate family life with a bipolar loved one.
• LOVE your bipolar family member with your whole heart. They did not ask for or want to struggle with this illness.  Keep in mind that this is an ILLNESS—it is not just bad behaviors and bad choices. They are being held captive and tortured by their own mind.  It’s just not as simple to say “it’s all in their head”. It is a medical condition that can be successfully treated with consistent medication-compliance and therapy.
• One fact cannot be overlooked: Every family that has a bipolar loved one is hurting—including the one suffering from bipolar disorder. The bipolar patient is living in their own place of pain the family will probably not fully understand. Likewise, the bipolar loved one will likely not fully appreciate what their family members have experienced as a result of the illness that plagued the one they so deeply love and want to understand.

 I will end with this quote by Kay Redfield Jamison from her book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness:

 

 “There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

   

We Are Cherished: A Butterfly’s Story

Dedicated to reaching women in the sex industry and empower them to discover they are loved, valued and cherished


www.wearecherished.com


 Six months ago I was sitting in my run-down apartment, a crack pipe in my mouth, lonely, scared, and thinking my life was about to end. I was consumed by so much guilt and shame. I felt like I was in a dark cave, with a big rock blocking the entrance. I could not move.
 At 19 years old I started working in a topless bar called DeJaVu. What drew me was an ad in the newspaper saying "If you like rock-n-roll music, and love to party while making $500-$1000 a week as a young girl, this is the job for you!" I didn't know what the job entailed, but it sounded fun and I checked it out. After persistent coaxing from a gorgeous manager and a lot of alcohol, I was on the stage........

 The first night I was a full blown alcoholic and within a month was introduced to cocaine. The security guard would give me a "snort" to wake me up from my drunken stupor before my next set.  When I was on that white, I felt like I could do anything. I could have the most intelligent conversations (I thought) and could dance all night. 

 10 years later I could not live without cocaine, spending money as soon as I made it to support my habit. The lining on my nose had worn so thin I could no longer snort it, so I free based it. This was a whole new world. I no longer made it to work because I was too busy getting high. I couldn't put the pipe down, so I started selling my body to the drug dealers to get high. 

  As a child, I had been raised in Church, but never had a relationship with God. I had a lot of Bible knowledge, but never knew God on a personal level until I went to prison. While I was there, I had nothing to do but read the Bible, do Bible Studies and go to Church meetings.
 One day, feeling completely hopeless, I heard a message that God loved me despite all I had done and how I sinned. I had never heard that before. I always thought God didn't love me, he didn't like sinners, and he was going to send me to hell. I thought after all the pain I had caused my family, there was no way He would love me.

 When I got out of prison, I had a new outlook on life, I was saved. The world looked different, beautiful.....I loved and was loved. I was changed and my goal in life was to be a servant for Christ. I met a wonderful man (I thought) who was the praise and worship leader at the church I was going to. His testimony was like mine: delivered from drugs, alcohol and a life of crime. Three months later, we were married. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

 Two months into marriage, he relapsed, started sleeping around, stole and pawned everything possible. I was devastated; my heart was utterly broken as I sunk into a deep depression. The only thing I knew that could take the pain away was drugs. 

 I went back into prostitution and drugs. I knew this time I would not get out of my situation alive. Only a miracle would save me.

  Pimps and Johns were after my money because I had tricked them into paying me and got out of the services they paid for. It was a living hell. I had my crack, but it wasn't working any more. I finally reached my bottom. The pipe in my mouth and tears rolling down my face, I prayed with all my heart, "God, I know you do love me. I am desperate, please help me out....I can't live like this anymore. I can't do this my way anymore.....please help me or I will die."

 As soon as I set the pipe down, there was a knock on the door.  It was my caseworker from the housing program I was in. She said I had thirty days to get out of the apartment or they were going to turn me into the police for drug trafficking and prostitution. They knew I needed help and gave me the number to a rehab center. I knew at that moment, God gave me a way out. I was accepted into the rehab on March 22nd, 2013. While in rehab, one of the counselors heard my story and recommended a wonderful support group for women. My spirit fluttered (like a butterfly) deep within me when she said "We Are Cherished." 

 I've been clean and out of the industry almost six months! My son and my youngest daughter are in my custody. I have a job, and I see my other 2 daughters three or four days every week. Before I was clean, I thought I would never see them again. God is restoring my family, and I am free. I know that I can go through hard times and struggles without having to use drugs or sell my body. I am a new creation. 

 Cherished has shown me the love I thought I never deserved. Now I know who I am in Christ. I am made in His righteousness. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I no longer have to live by sight, but by faith. I know that if I seek him first, ALL things will fall into place. I no longer have to fear, guilt and shame. I AM FREE.

*Name has been changed to protect Butterfly's identity.

Conceived in Rape: The Laura Tedder Story

by Laura Tedder
Warren MI,irishcreamlaura@aol.com

Laura was conceived in rape and survived her birthmother’s numerous attempts to abort her.  Laura is from Warren, MI, and is  available for speaking. 


"Every child a wanted child," so the Planned Parenthood slogan goes.   My name is Laura Tedder and I know something about that.  After all, I was conceived when my birthmother was raped at a bar.  Abortion was illegal in Michigan in 1948, though that didn’t stop her from trying to abort me throughout pregnancy “every way possible.”  I survived those multiple abortion attempts, and as a result, was born with cancer.  She then abandoned me at my uncle and aunt’s home when I was only two days old.  They subsequently adopted me.  

 To say my life has been difficult is an understatement.   The complications from the cancer, i.e., the attempted abortions, have led to dozens and dozens of surgeries since.  Despite all the hardships I have endured, I am a living argument against Planned Parenthood’s slogan.  I'm a walking miracle.  I'm lucky to be alive.  I had a will to live and struggled my way into this world. God put me here for a reason and I love life!

 My aunt and uncle welcomed me into their loving home two days after my birth.  While my birth mother was not able to raise me and the two of us do not share a close relationship, I was indeed wanted and loved by my aunt and uncle, who are, and always have been, my mom and dad.
 While being adopted can have some negative consequences for a child, I have  been forced to deal with a lot more.  I was diagnosed with retinoblastoma, a  cancer of the eye when I was two years old.  Doctors had to remove my right eye before the cancer spread. I have had many surgeries since to correct the trauma left from the cancer. The treatment included radiation, which in turn caused a  brain tumor and several more surgeries years later.  At one point in 1998, I was given only two weeks to live because of the brain tumor.  Despite my frequent visits to the operating room, my life can be described as a continuing trip through life, and hilariously funny at times.  Some pro-choicers would say, “Well, you see, it probably would have been best that she would have been aborted.”  But wait a second -- this is my life that you are talking about!  It’s pretty rugged to say something like that to someone.  It's unfeeling and unfair.  I can’t see how they could say they “care” about women!

 I was dealt a hand of bad cards, but I kept persevering.  I currently live in Warren, Michigan with my husband John of nearly 45 years, and we’ve been blessed with one son and three wonderful grandchildren.  My birth mother is still alive, and although we have not made peace with each other (despite my efforts), she has made peace with herself.  I don't have any hatred for her -- I'm too old for that.   When you get older, you just see everything differently.  I have forgiven her and harbor no resentment.

 After another brain surgery in 2006, I decided to write an autobiography dealing with my struggles in life and am currently working to have it published.  I don’t  know why I have had so many challenges, but I hope my life story will inspire  others to believe they can overcome their own struggles through faith in God and  believing that you are here for a purpose and in due time, you’ll see His light and  know what you are here for.  I wrote it for someone going through the same problems, to show him or her there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that part of my purpose is to be an inspiration to others.

 Any people in similar circumstances with a parent should let go of their resentment sooner so they can reconcile before it is too late.  I hope that any  woman facing a crisis pregnancy like my mother would follow the advice of the  slogan, and understand that every child is a wanted child!
 No matter how you get pregnant, it's a miracle baby.  No matter what the  circumstances, it's not the baby's fault.  They were meant to live.  Everyone  needs a chance for life -- you don't get many shots at it.  A "walking miracle"  certainly knows something about that.

Our Past

by Sandi Gearld

 How many hours of your life have you spent dwelling on your past and beating yourself up mentally over the things you regret doing or not doing? I know I've probably wasted an equivalent of years tormenting and punishing myself over my past.

 The Lord has been dealing with me about this in a big way for awhile now and He's helped me to get the revelation of the fact that our past is our past. There is nothing we can do about it. One thing in my past I had been dwelling on for years was mistakes and wrong choices I made while raising my daughter. Every time something or someone would spark a memory of any of those things (whether real or perceived), I would secretly torment myself mentally with guilt and remorse, as if that would make it all better. Then I realized that I can't go back one second into the past and change any of it but I CAN purpose to do better in the present and the future. I can't give my daughter any "do-overs" for the times I was not there for her or made a wrong choice, but I can make the most of the present and future that I have been blessed with to spend with her. 

 I'm reminded, in Joel 2:25, that God will restore (and/or replace) the years that the locust and cankerworm have eaten/stolen. We can't change the past but God will see to it that the things we've grieved over, or had regrets of, are restored in the areas where restoration is possible - or replaced by something better. When something is restored, it's brought back to its former or original state (renewed, rebuilt, altered, brought back to an undamaged and fully-functional or improved condition). When something is replaced, it's either put back into its former or proper place OR something new fills the place of (supplies an equivalent for) the thing that was lost.

 We can actually use the past to improve our present and our future if we'll form a positive attitude about it. We can view it as:

 1) A catalyst to change us. We can change whatever it is we need to change. It might not be easy but with God all things are possible. He is on our side.

 2) A birthing pain/contraction into the new. God can take our past and use the events to birth the new things He has for us into our lives. He can use them to "push" us through to that good plan He has for us, according to Jeremiah 29:11.

 3) A learning experience. We can learn from our mistakes as well as the good things in our past to reform the foundation and building materials of our future. Famous men and women in history who invented products we enjoy today learned by trial and error. They made many mistakes before they got it right. But they learned from the past - what to do and what not to do; they persevered and didn't give up.

 4) A measuring stick. We can see how far we've come in God. Every little victory is a big thing in God's eyes. It's like a parent watching their child take his or her first step, or pedal the bike without the training wheels. You'd think that child won a gold medal in walking or riding a bike! It's the same way with God. We look back in a positive manner and remember where we used to be and see how far we've come. Even though we still make mistakes, we're doing better and better as time goes by into the new past that we're creating.

 5) A testimony to help others. Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom. The Word says that He causes all things to work for good (Romans 8:28). We see by reading the Bible that we're not the first ones to do things we do. We have many examples in the scriptures of men and women who committed (and overcame) sins and mistakes and are now testimonies to help us today. We're the same way in our world. We can help others to overcome and gain victory in their lives when we open ourselves up and share with them what God's brought us through and where we are now. A lot of our testimony is a silent witness - people watch us when we don't realize it.

 We simply cannot live in our past. It can be detrimental to our health, our relationships and every other part of our life. We can't go into our future that God has for us until we put the past behind us. We might not be able to forget it, but we must forgive and let go - and that includes forgiving ourselves. His plans for us and our future are good but we must make the purposeful choice to go forward into that good future. God is "I AM", not "I WAS". He's with us every second of every day for eternity.

 Sometimes we think we cannot be of any value to God or anyone else because of our past deeds. The Word says that we become born again, we become a new creature in Christ. Old things have passed away, all things become new (2 Corinthians 5:17-21). Our old man dies and we become filled with God Himself. We still have to develop the fruit of that new nature, and it will always be challenging at times, but we can rest assured that God is not keeping score of past failures and sins, or holding them against us. He makes all things new and He is for us, not against us. We're His beloved family.
 We have forgiveness of our sins and shortcomings when we repent (turn around). Psalms 103:12 says He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west; though they are as scarlet they are washed white as snow (Isaiah 1:18).  Since He does not remember them, we should make it a point not to either. If you pray or cry out to God about them, He doesn't know what you're talking about. BUT the devil does! He's the accuser of the brethren. He's torment, pain, negative thinking and actions. When we torment ourselves over our past, we're basically siding with him and what he says about us. But what does Truth say about it? The Word says that the devil is the father of lies and there is no truth in him. We, on the other hand, are the victors; we're more than conquerers through Jesus and His redeeming Blood; we're God's children, heirs of salvation. The blessings of Abraham (our father in faith) are ours. That is a marvelous inheritance.

 Another thing we must remember when thinking on the past is that we cannot stop and camp out on our victories and accomplishments either. We must keep moving forward so that we can fulfill the destiny that He's created us for. Paul had accomplished many powerful things for the Kingdom by the time he was imprisoned in Rome but he acknowledged that he still wasn't done. In Philippians 3, he makes mention of his accolades and accomplishments. Then in verses 13-14, he states, "but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal…" While in prison, he lived daily with the threat that it could be his last day. He even mentioned that dying and going on home to Heaven would be a welcome thing for him, but he knew he had not finished his course yet and needed to persevere and fulfill his destiny. He did just that. Today, we learn from his example and can be just as victorious and fulfilled as he was at the end of his earthly life.

 So I encourage you to refuse to let the memories of your past hold you back. Use them as positive tools to build your future - a catalyst for change, a birthing pain to the new, a learning experience, a measuring stick and a testimony. Move forward towards the high calling that you've been anointed and appointed to, whatever that calling might be.         

A Taste of Friendship

 

by Leslie Aune

 It went on for quite some time. One-year-old Travis sat at the table watching Grammy run the thread through her mouth, poke it into the needle's eye, and add a new color to her crosstitch, then repeat the process.  Finally, her activity convinced him. He reached into the growing pile of thread scraps, picked a colorful thread and ran it through his mouth.     Immediately, he threw the thread back into the pile, his lip turned up in disgust and he glared at Grammy: Why on earth would anyone run thread through their mouth?

 From the time he was a baby, I didn't have to worry about what Travis would put in his mouth. He simply did not put anything in his mouth that was not food or drink. I had four years without this worry before our second child came along. Allison was a typical baby and explored the world by tasting everything.  I had to work extra hard to keep tiny toys out of reach and teach her not to put everything that she came across in her mouth.

 As my children grew, I saw these same traits cross over to their friendships. Travis has been more selective in his choices. He is quiet and observant, often mistaken for shy. This reserved nature caused consternation with the ladies at church and I received much advice on how to help him out of his "shyness".  My dad, who is a lieutenant in a police department with 40 plus years of law enforcement experience, told me, "Leave it alone. That will be his saving grace as a teenager."  My son is 16 now and he is still careful with his choice of friends.

 My daughter, on the other hand, approached friendship with a wide open heart. Everyone was her friend. When she was four, she was convinced that all her friends knew each other.  We were visiting our friends in Amarillo and Allison said to Kallie, "You know the Owens family, of course." Kallie didn't.  That threw Allison for a loop when she realized her friends, who lived 6 hours apart, didn't actually know each other.  It took her a couple of days to get over that bewilderment and understand why her two friends didn't know each other.

 The weaknesses in these two approaches soon became clear.  While Travis used wisdom and discernment to carefully select his friends, he did not always demonstrate grace for those who proved to be unsafe friends.  Allison, on the other hand, was so free with her love and acceptance that I was afraid that wisdom and discernment in selecting close friends would not develop.

 During second grade, one particular girl was constantly saying mean things to Allison, such as threatening to break her arm or hurt her at recess.  As you can imagine, this was difficult for Allison who had only known friendship.  But it gave us the opportunity to teach wisdom in selecting close friends. The next year this same girl had some difficult days that led her to tears at recess and I found out later that Allison had spent some time comforting and encouraging her. Oh, what grace!

 As they continue to grow in their friendships, their two methods have begun to meld together to develop a healthy approach to friendships.  Through this development, we are all learning more about choosing our friends carefully.    We should be careful with what groups of friends we hang out with since bad company corrupts morals (1 Corinthians 15:33) and we don't want our friends to hinder our walk with our Lord (Hebrews 12:1).  For example, if our Bible study or prayer group is nothing more than a gossip session, then we either want to re-direct the focus if we can or find another group. 

 Our closest friends should be Christians that are learning and growing in their faith with us (2 Corinthians 6:14), so that those friendships can be the "iron that sharpens iron" (Proverbs 27:17). That is, friendships that encourages each party to abide in Christ and make choices that reflect that of their faith.  These types of friendships are the ones that help us firm up our theology to reflect what the Bible says or hold us accountable when our actions and attitudes are not lining up with how God is calling us to live out our faith.

  This doesn't mean that we are not to have friends that are not Christians nor are we to respond with unkindness.   Setting our boundaries on what establishes close friendships versus friends we hang out with versus people who are not good for us to be around, frees us to respond to people with truth, love, and grace Then, we can enjoy the taste of friendship that is seasoned with love and grace as well as wisdom and discernment.

3 Things You Don't Know About Your Children & Sex

By Anne Marie Miller

Dear Parents,

 Please allow me a quick moment to introduce myself before we go much further. My name is Anne Marie Miller. I'm thirty-three years old. I'm newly married to a wonderful man named Tim. We don't have any children yet, but we plan to.

 For the purpose of this letter, you need to know I'm a recovering addict. Pornography was my drug of choice.

 I grew up in the church-the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher man with a passion for learning the Bible. I was the honors student; the athlete; the girl who got along with everyone from the weird kids to the popular ones.

It was a good life. I was raised in a good home.

It was 1996, I was sixteen and the Internet was new. After my family moved from a sheltered, conservative life in west Texas to the ethnically and sexually diverse culture of Dallas/Fort Worth, I found myself lonely, curious and confused.

 Because of the volatile combination of life circumstances: the drastic change of scenery when we moved, my dad's depression, and a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school, I turned to the Internet for education. I didn't know what certain words meant or if what the youth pastor was doing to me was good or bad, and I was too afraid to ask.

What started as an innocent pursuit of knowledge quickly escalated into a coping mechanism.

 When I looked at pornography, I felt a feeling of love and safety-at least for a brief moment. But those brief moments of relief disappeared and I was left even more ashamed and confused than when I started. Pornography provided me both an emotional and a sexual release.

 For five years I carried this secret. I was twenty-one when I finally opened up to a friend only because she opened up to me first about her struggle with sexual sin.

 We began a path of healing in 2001, and for the last 12 years, although not a perfect journey, I can say with great confidence that God has set me free from that addiction and from the shame that followed. I returned to school to study the science behind addiction and family dynamics.

 Over the last six years, I've had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of venues: thousands of college students, men, women and teens. This summer, I was invited to speak at several camps to both junior high and high school students, and it's without exaggeration that I tell you with each year I counsel students, the numbers and the stories shock me more and more.

There are more students compulsively looking at pornography at younger ages and with greater frequency than ever before.

This summer, by a long stretch, was the "worst" in terms of what secrets I learned students carried. After my last night speaking at my last camp, I retreated to my room and collapsed on the bed face-first. Tim simply laid his hand on my back to comfort me.

 I could not logically reconcile in my mind all the confessions I heard over the summer with the children who shared them.

While every story was unique in the details, in most situations, there were three common themes that kept surfacing.

1. Google is the New Sex-Ed.

 Remember the first time you, as a parent, saw pornography? Likely it was a friend's parent who had a dirty magazine, or maybe you saw something somebody brought to school.

 Now, when a student hears a word or phrase they don't understand, they don't ask you what it means (because they fear getting in trouble). They don't ask their friends (because they fear being ashamed for not knowing).

They ask Google. Google won't judge them for not knowing.

 Because of our short attention spans and desire for instant gratification, they don't click the first link that shows up-they go straight to Google Images. In almost all of the stories I heard, this is how someone was first exposed to pornography-Google Image searching.

 The average age of first exposure in my experience was nine years old.

2. If Your Child was Ever Molested, You Likely Don't Know.

 Another extremely common theme was children being inappropriately touched, often by close family members or friends.

When I was molested at sixteen, I didn't tell a soul until I was in my twenties. I didn't tell my own mother until I was twenty-eight.

 The stigma and shame of being a victim, coupled with the trauma that happens with this experience, is confusing to a child of any age: Our systems weren't made to process that event.

 Many things keep children from confessing abuse: being told they've made it up or are exaggerating, being a disappointment, and in most cases, getting the other person in trouble.

While a child can look at pornography without being abused, children who have been molested, by and large, look at pornography and act out sexually. 

3. Your Child is Not the Exception.

 After speaking with a youth pastor at a camp, he said most parents live with the belief that their child is the exception. Your child is not.

 The camps I went to this summer weren't camps full of children on life's fringes that one would stereotypically believe experience these traumatic events or have access to these inappropriate things. You must throw your stereotypes aside.

 Most of the children at these camps were middle-class, mostly churched students. Let me give you a snapshot of a few things I heard from these students:

•  They've sent X-rated photos of themselves to their classmates (or received them).
•  They've exposed themselves to strangers on the Internet or through sexting.
•  They've seen pornography.
•  They've read pornography.
•  They've watched pornography.
•  The girls compare their bodies to the ones they see in ads at the mall or of actresses, and keep those images hidden on their phone (or iPod, or whatever device they have) so they can try to imitate them.
•  They question their sexuality.
•  They've masturbated.
•  They know exactly where and in what movies sex scenes are shown and they watch them for sexual gratification.
•  They've had a homosexual experience.
•  And they're terrified to tell you.

 (Update: The focus of this article is on the conversation, not the action; though as parents, you need to be aware of the fact that young children are experiencing these things. I feel the need to clarify that none of these actions make someone a "bad" person. While this specific list does contain things many people with a Christian background consider to be sin, it is lack of communication that makes this dangerous at this age. Most of us go through exploratory phases before sexual phases: a three-year-old masturbating because he knows it feels good and a seventeen-year-old masturbating to porn for a sexual release are two different things. If your child is uninformed or uneducated about things they need to know based on what is appropriate for their age and sexual development, regardless of your beliefs, it leads to shame and self-doubt.)

 

 But maybe you're right. Maybe your child is the exception. I would argue, at this juncture in life, being the exception is as equally dangerous.

 

 At the end of every session I presented, I intentionally and clearly directed students to ask me or another leader if they didn't understand or know what a certain word meant. "Do not go to the Internet and look it up."

 

 Sure enough, there is always the child who stays behind until everyone leaves and quietly asks what the word "porn" means or if God is angry because that boy or girl from down the street told them it was OK for them to touch them "down there." There is the child in the back row who leans over to his friend and asks, "What does molest mean?" and the other boy shrugs.

 

 This summer, I am beyond grateful that mature, God-fearing adults were available to answer those questions with grace and tact and maturity; that we were in a setting that was safe for questions and confessions. It was entirely appropriate. Not every child gets that opportunity. Most won't. Most will find out from the Internet or from a peer who isn't equipped to provide the correct answer in the correct context. As the summer camp season ends, I feel a shift in my heart.

 

 For the last six years, I've felt a calling to share with students how God has set me free from the shame and actions of my past, and that they aren't alone (because they truly believe they are). One college dean referred to me as "the grenade we're tossing into our student body to get the conversation of sex started" because they realized how sweeping these topics under the rug caused their students to live trapped and addicted and ashamed. I will continue sharing my testimony in that capacity as long as there is a student in front of me that needs to hear it.

 

 However, I am more aware now than ever before in my ministry of how little parents know about what's happening. And because I'm not a parent, I feel terribly inadequate in telling you this.

 But I can't not tell you. After seeing the innocence in the eyes of ten-year-olds who've carried secrets nobody, let alone a child, should carry; after hearing some of the most horrific accounts from students I've ever heard this year; I cannot go one more day without pleading with you to open up and have these difficult conversations with your children.

 

 Would you prefer your son or daughter learn what a "fetish" is from you or from searching Google Images? Talk to them about abuse and, yes, even trafficking.

 

 Just this month, I met a relative of a girl whose own mother was selling her body from the time she was five until now, when she's sixteen. This was not in some drug-infested ghetto. It was in a very upscale town in a very upscale state known for its nature and beauty and summer houses.

 Your children need to know. If not for them, maybe for a friend. Maybe they can help bring context or see warning signs. Ask them what they know.  Ask them what they've done.  Ask them what's been done to them.

 

 Show grace and love. Stay far away from judgment and condemnation. If you feel ill equipped, ask a pastor or counselor for help. If you hear an answer you didn't expect and your first instinct is to dismiss it-don't.

 

Find a counselor. Look for resources. Continue following up.

 

If you struggle with this (and let's admit it, statistically, a lot of us do), get help too. 

 Do the right thing, the hard thing, for the sake of your children. If we don't do this now, I am terrified of how the enemy will continue stealing hope and joy from our youngest generation, and how they'll be paralyzed to advance the Kingdom of God as they mature. We cannot let this happen on our watch. 

 

[*Specific details that could identify children have been changed in such a way that it does not affect the story and only protects the children. Mandatory Reporters reported confessions that involved abuse or neglect or situations that indicated a child was in any type of danger by using proper state laws and procedures.]

Rescuing Your Kids: How Far Should You Go?

by Lisa Cherrywww.frontlinemoms.com


 Your son forgets his school book for the third time in two weeks. Do you take it to him?
 Your daughter failed to put gas in the car and now she will be late to her appointment.  Do you offer to trade cars?


 Your 14-year-old has trouble talking about conflict issues with his dad.  Do you step in the middle of their communications?


 Rescuing. When is it appropriate, and when is it handicapping? I find that I face this question constantly with a house full of teens.


We all know that life throws each of us a large number of curve balls. Mistakes and pressures and errors are simply a part of our daily routines to be managed and hopefully conquered.


 So how will I help my teens conquer the world of details and pressures successfully......even as I know they are challenged with foggy adolescent immaturity?


Here is a list of some guiding principles:

1.  I want my children to know I am always "on their side" even if I cannot rescue them from every sticky moment of life.

2. I factor in a lot of immaturity to each of my teens' days. After all, they are not yet adults.

3. And I temper this with a strong expectation that they will mature a little bit more each day.

4. I strive to give them the coaching they need to pre-think and pre-strategize their day.

5. But I do not do all the thinking for them. I let them carry their own weight.

6. I let them live with the law of natural consequences. For the most part I let the chips fall for what they decide and do.

7. But when I see they are about to be crushed by their own immaturity, I pray and ask the Lord if I need to step in to assist. Sometimes He says yes. And sometimes I sense He says no. This is why I need His wisdom!!!

8. If I feel I am to rescue them from peril, I honestly ask myself how to reposition them in life to go back and hit that lesson again. A failed test is a sign that more practice is needed....   Quitting is not the remedy.

9. I strive to remember how grateful I have been when other people-and God-have rescued me when I did not deserve it.

10. I ask the Lord to help me remain level-headed, matter-of-fact, and calm on the outside… even when I am feeling overwhelmed on the inside in my role of discipling teens!

 We want our children to grow into mature, responsible adults who can lead families, ministries and businesses confidently. Today's style of laissez-faire parenting does not always yield the result we want: a mature, self-sacrificing adult!! 

 When we embrace our roles as Christian trainers and mentors, we can see the reason for our momentary frustrations.

 God has great plans for our kids' lives. As we trust Him for His wisdom and courage, we will see those plans come to fruition.

Words

by Dawn Lee

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

 This is a quote from one of my favorite movies "The Help". I think this phrase is so simple, but so profound. How many of us heard this as a child or eventually as an adult? I am pretty sure there is an equal amount of haves and have-nots. If you have never heard this in your life, let me be the first to say to you - you is kind, you is smart, you is important and don't you forget that! And I would add you are beautiful and very loved!


 Many of us go through life doubting, for one reason or another, that we aren't any of these things at all. The feelings usually stem from unhealthy relationships,that make us doubt ourselves. Let me say, beloved, God says you are all these things and more! He made you in His image, so when someone says to you that you aren't worthy, you're not good enough, you'll never get anywhere in life- well God says different!! You're His child and He loves you unconditionally! He had plans for you before you were even born, so have no doubt He has been with you every step of the way- even when you take wrong turns.


 God loves you in spite of your mistakes, your choices, your actions. What a wonderful blessing to have His grace, His mercy and His love! He wants you to take all of those awful feelings you have about yourself and just lay them at His feet. Let Him begin to heal you and feel the love He is offering you unconditionally. It will bring you peace, contentment and happiness you have never known.


 Now, I am not saying it will be easy, especially when you have negative individuals or situations in your life. We all have to deal with these issues on a daily basis, but I promise you, the more you lean on Him, the more these issues will start to dissipate. Your testimony and love for Christ will show. His love is truly the lighthouse in life's storms.


 The daily routine that helps me remind myself that I am loved is prayer, reading His word and showing others that they are loved. These simple actions can make an amazing difference in your life! I promise all those awful things you think of yourself, all those awful things people say about you- those words don't define who you are, but His Word does. You are His child and you have His love, grace and mercy. He loves you unconditionally- faults and all!


 So my challenge to you today is to love others as God loves you- unconditionally. Tell someone today "You is kind. You is smart. You is important," and most of all you are loved! Not only are you changing your life little by little, but you will be changing someone else's life... and possibly even saving their life.


As I said when I was a teacher "Use your words". It's the most wonderful gift He gives us to give to others.
 

Pastoral Ministry: Casualties from the Frontline

Pastoral Ministry: Casualties from the Frontline
Helping the Walking Wounded, Soldiers of a Different Kind

by Dawn Irons, M.A., LPC


 I recently ran across an insightful article on ChurchLeaders.com titled 10 Real Reasons Pastors Quit Too Soon by Tim Peters.  Being a ministerial wife for almost 20 years, I read through the article sadly and slowly nodding my head. I recognized the signs and symptoms, not only from my own life and marriage, but from the vast majority of pastors and wives we have known over our 20 years of ministry.


 Tim Peters listed the 10 reasons pastors quit as:

•  Discouragement
•  Failure
•  Loneliness
•  Moral Failure
•  Financial Pressure
•  Anger
•  Burnout
•  Physical Health
•  Marriage/Family Problems
•  Too Busy/Driven

 Pastoral Care, Inc. provides some statistics that might be eye-opening to the average congregation. Do we really know what kind of struggle and daily warfare that comes against our pastors? Do we know how to effectively pray for those who serve in ministry?  The following statistics are worth making a prayer list for your pastor:

•  50% of pastors report feeling so discouraged they would leave the ministry if they could.
•  70% of pastors say they have lower self-esteem now than when they started
•  70% of pastors say they do not have someone they consider a close friend
•  33% of pastors confess having been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior
•  70% of pastors feel grossly underpaid
•  Each year 4,000 new churches begin and 7,000 churches close
•  90% of pastors report working between 55-75 hours per week
•  75% of pastors report a significant stress-related crisis at least once in their ministry
•  80% of pastors believe pastoral ministry has negatively affected their families
•  90% of pastors feel they are inadequately trained to cope with the ministry demands

 To truly read and understand what these statistics mean and pair them with the top 10 reasons pastors quit the ministry is very sobering. As a Christian Counselor and ministerial wife I have such a passion to reach out and help pastoral couples in ministerial crisis. Although Tim Peters' article was very succinct in bringing these issues to the light, it stopped short of offering solutions or ideas to address these issues from a congregational standpoint and then a personal stand point from the pastoral family.

 Over the next few months I will be taking some of these issues and expounding on them from a therapeutic perspective in regaining health and balance for those serving in ministry. I will also challenge the church congregation to activate and help bear the load of ministry. After all, the scriptural challenge given to a pastor is found in Ephesians 4:11-12. In referring to Jesus himself, this passage states, " It was he (Jesus) who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up."  I often wonder if the congregation was doing its part, would the pastors be less likely to burn out?   According to the reasons and statistics shared above, not only are the pastors training and equipping the saints, but it appears the saints may not be doing the work of the ministry and that is leaving  pastors working 55-75 hours a week on things the saints who have been equipped should be doing.

 

 

 This article is not one of condemnation. It is a challenge to the church and to pastors to really evaluate “how we are doing church."  I want this article to be a "clarion call", a direct public request for people to take action.  In this article I will tackle the subject matter of pastoral discouragement and sense of failure.

 

Pastoral Discouragement & Sense of Failure   Many years ago when I was a student at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor, a young Christian artist by the name of Rebecca St. James came to our campus. She had a beautiful Australian accent.  So when she made the comment, "Where I come from a Pastor (pronounced "Pasta" with her accent) is someone who leads a church. Here in America a "Pasta" is something you eat for lunch."  As the audience broke out in laughter, my husband and I looked at each other and said, "No! It's BOTH here!"

How Often Do You Eat Your Pastor For Lunch?


 Sometimes pastors can't win for losing. It matters not whether it is the senior pastor or the worship pastor or any pastor. Someone somewhere always has an opinion and will freely share it with any available ear. The service was long today. The music was too loud. We don't sing enough hymns. We don't sing enough contemporary music. The pastor’s children seem to always to have behavior problems. The pastor's wife is so "stand-offish"- she must think she is better than everyone else… and on it goes. It rarely ever stops. This "Pasta" lunch just might be what started the carbohydrate overload in our country!

 Church members tend to believe what they say will never get back to the pastor. News flash!! It always gets back to the pastor. And he walks around with a discouragement in his heart as you prepare for your next "pasta" dish.

 

 

Pastoral Wives: Beware of the "will you tell your husband….." request from a church member


 You have seen your husband's discouragement up close and personal.  Although this simple request may seem benign, it is actually very manipulative on the part of the person making the request.  This comment on occasion may be positive, but more likely it will be some sort of backdoor complaint. 

 If the request is positive-adamantly encourage the person to tell your husband that positive message personally. Your husband needs to hear encouragement from someone other than you. He knows you are in his corner! When the information is negative-it is a diabolical scheme of the enemy to be able to use you, his God-given helpmeet, to be the source of delivering discouragement. Don't fall for that grave error! 

 

 

When the Church is at a Stalemate over Tradition vs. Contemporary


 This seems to be the battle du jour. This debate has split churches right down the middle.  Know this… a church of 100 people that splits does not equal 2 new churches of 50 people. It boils down to 2 new churches of 15 people each, and 70 people who will never return to church in their lifetime. Battles like this cause more discouragement and feelings of failure for pastors than will ever be calculated. It is a no-win battle.

The statistic we spoke of earlier, "each year 4,000 new churches begin and 7,000 churches close" was an eye-opener for me. I see a potential cause for concern when I look at that statistic in regards to this stalemate over contemporary vs. traditional that keeps our pastors buckled under discouragement.  It is not a huge leap to connect some dots here.  When contemporaries and traditionals come to a place of irreconcilable differences churches often do split.  What this statistic may imply is that more contemporary churches are breaking away and beginning new churches and those who hold fast and immovable to a 1950's church model of traditional worship only end up closing down as the aging congregation eventually passes on to be with the Lord.

 

 

 The baby boomer generation is the largest segment of population right now on our planet.  These are our senior adults who often prefer more traditional churches.  The hope and goal would be that, rather than let churches split over styles of worship, that we attempt to meet the needs of both traditional and contemporary worshipers.  Sometimes that does mean separate services.  Sometimes blended services are a good compromise. Other times blended services prove to be the final death nail in the coffin of a church that splits. When you look at the dilemma of contemporary and traditional worship we are comparing apples and oranges. Both are beautiful and essential fruit God has given us. But a blender is still a blender… is destroys what is the natural state of a substance and turns it into something unrecognizable and utterly destroyed.  Sure, some people love smoothies! But looking at the church statistics, this is not what is happening.  Each year 4,000 new churches start (very possibly contemporaries who broke away from a church that refused to move towards a more contemporary service to reach a new generation of lost souls.) Each year 7,000 churches close (very possibly the remnants of traditional church that refused to reach out to the next generation. The traditions that were so dearly loved and treasured will likely fade away as the church closes and those people cross the finish line and enter their eternal rest.

 

 

This battle is one of the most discouraging battles for pastors.  This battle, almost without fail, leaves a pastor feeling like a complete failure. A pastor with a shepherd's heart desires unity in his body of believers. But the mistake is often made that to allow both contemporary and traditional services makes for a divided church. It does not. In fact, it is the biblical principle of preferring one another over yourself personified.  It makes room for the needs of all the people. These two groups of worshipers still fellowship at church events together. They still love one another. And a greater respect of tradition is honored by the contemporaries when room is made for them to worship God in a manner they are able to connect with the Lord.

 

 

Mamma Was Right!

 There is an old saying that most of our moms taught us early in childhood:  "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all."

 

 

 If you know a pastor, there is a 50/50 chance they are living under the weight of extreme discouragement and would quit the ministry if they could.  People so frequently share their complaints, but they are rather timid about sharing their appreciation and encouragement.  Your pastor needs affirmation. Your pastor needs encouragement. Your pastor desperately needs prayer. If you find you have nothing kind to say to or about your pastor, then pray.  The heart that needs changing may be your own.  Been there, done that. Trust me on this one. When your heart is discouraged toward your pastor, consider praying.  His discouragement is often just a keen discernment of what you are feeling and sharing with everyone but him about your grievance.

 

What you can do to lighten the load of your pastor?


 Are you willing to take a challenge? Ask yourself if you have been trained and equipped by your pastor to do the work of the ministry. If you have been, are you doing your fair share?  Are you doing more than your share? Could you possibly mentor a new member in your congregation to take on one of your ministry opportunities so that you don't become as exhausted and as discouraged as your pastor?


A church that is thriving and growing will be busy about making disciples.  Disciples in turn make disciples. They are trained and equipped by leaders that Jesus himself said he had given to the church. The pastor is not the only leader Jesus has given.  How many of our churches are treating our pastors like a hired work-horse?  The pastor's job is to train you and equip you. Your job, as a disciple, is to accomplish The Great Commission within the area of influence the Lord has placed you in with your family, friends, and neighbors-even to the ends of the world!