by Dawn Irons
Grief…it is facing the harsh reality of something you'd rather run from. It is dealing with emotions that you have yet to define. It is being angry, sad, and relieved all in the same moment. It is a very natural part of life. Grief is something to be experienced, not ignored. It is to be embraced, then dealt with, and ultimately released into the hands of God. It is part of growing and maturing as we walk in this life.
Yet many well-meaning people have tried to shelter the people they love from ever feeling the sting of grief. They believe that if they can keep their loved ones from focusing on the pain that the pain will go away. In fact, it is the very process of grieving that brings the healing that their loved one so desires and needs to experience.
I wrote this open letter to my friends to try and help them understand why the grieving process was important. Although this letter is specific to my experience of having multiple miscarriages, I think the heart of the letter encompasses the experience of loss of a loved one at any age. I hope you find this letter helpful as you work through your own grieving process or are helping another person who is grieving. The questions addressed in this letter come from a variety of questions asked over the years by several different people.
Dear Friend,
We lost our baby today. We named her Caitlyn Elizabeth. She was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. Though we only had her 8 weeks within my womb, she was a blessing to our family. She was knit together in my womb by a Mighty Creator. He planned her life from the foundations of the world. Her life had an eternal purpose and not an earthly one. She joins her other brothers and sisters who will join her at the Throne of Grace as they live an existence of worship before our Abba Father. Each baby we lost had a name. If you don't mind, I'd like to share their names with you. As a mother, it does my heart good to hear people call my children by name instead of referring to them as "a miscarriage". Their names are Samuel Zechariah, Hannah Grace, Michaela Dianne, Jeremiah Daniel, Josiah David and now we add to the heavenly quiver, Caitlyn Elizabeth. [We lost Michael Gabriel after this letter was originally written in 2002.]
I know you cannot fully understand why we "continue to let this happen". But it is the very nature of your question that lets me know you truly do not understand why we continue to trust God with this area of our life. For us, it is a matter of Lordship. We believe God is fully trustworthy in every area of our life… even if the outcome is not as we had hoped. His ways are higher than our ways. He cannot go against His own word. His word says that He created these babies with a plan and a purpose. Much to my heartache, His plan was different than my desire for these babies. But this is not the first time my will has been somewhat different that God's. But I know His will enough to know that He must increase and I must decrease.
You have also told me, time and time again, almost after every infant loss, to just be grateful for the kids I do have. I know in my heart of hearts that you mean to encourage me by that statement. But if I may, please let me explain how that feels to a person who is grieving the loss of their child. If you were to lose one of your children and someone told you to just remember the blessing that your husband and marriage have been, wouldn't that seem a bit odd? The love and blessing of your marriage have nothing to do with the loss you feel for your child. Neither do my living children have anything to do with the loss I feel for the one who died. I need to grieve for the one I lost so that I can move forward with the children that are still living. If you deny me the ability to grieve this loss, it makes me feel you have totally dismissed this baby's life. It may be easier for you to pretend this baby did not exist because you do not want to see me hurt, but I have to grieve this loss so I can heal and move on. I wish that you understood that. Grieving is not a bad thing. I try to stay strong for you sometimes because you cannot fathom how someone could lose so much and still continue to trust God… but it is in the ability to grieve that God holds me in the palm of His hand and I experience the true Balm of Gilead. I wish you could understand that.
Grief does not separate me from God, but rather draws me close and more intimately to Him. I used to wonder why that was. How can so much pain cause me to grow closer to God? It was as if God Himself lifted my face, wiped my tears and said, "I know what it is like to lose a child." To be honest, that just says it all for me! I know intimacy with God in my grief because He did the most intimate thing of all in giving Jesus as a sacrifice for my sins. That was God's ultimate act of reconciling Himself to us all. He knows my pain….and He cares deeply. For whatever reason, God chose to use my husband and I in the miracle of creating another soul that worships Him day and night before the Throne. I cannot explain His reasons for that, nor would I deny Him the opportunity to create a covenant life in my womb. Granted, if He is taking votes, I choose to hold the next one in my arms! But I pray that you will someday understand that the miracle is no less a miracle if the soul that is knit together in my womb is born in Zion for no other purpose that to worship before the Father.
You told me once that I shouldn't worry because I could go on to have other children. Again, I am sure you meant well, but that truly hurt. I am very open to God giving us other children. You know me well enough to know that. But if you really want to help me get through this difficult time, allow me to talk about Caitlyn Elizabeth. God created her and allowed us to be blessed with her earthly presence for 8 short weeks. Her life mattered in our family and matters in eternity. We will see her again someday. We do grieve deeply, but not as the world grieves; as though they have no hope. We know where our hope lies. It only causes more pain if you dismiss this child and pretend she never existed. It is only though this grieving that we can celebrate her very short life… and that is important to us. Can I ask a favor? When we talk about this loss in the future, it would mean a lot to me if we could refer to the time when I lost "Caitlyn", and not the time when I had "the miscarriage". I think in the end, we will both be better off for acknowledging the precious gift of life God gave us.
I so appreciate your words of comfort. I know you only mean the very best. Yet there is so much I wish you understood about the grieving process. You told me once that the reason I keep losing these babies is because it is not God's time for me to have a baby. If there is anything I understand about conception, it is that sperm and egg alone do not make a baby! That thinking is pure folly! Just ask any couple that has struggled with infertility. I remember the deep Biblical truth of Rachel crying out to Jacob, "Give me a child or else I die!" and Jacob in all his wisdom simply replies, "Am I in the place of God, who has withheld the fruit of your womb?" Oh that we could truly realize the truth of that statement! God alone has the power to open and close the womb. I know many who have purposely tried to close their womb via means of birth control only to end up with a baby still. Yes, there are some instances where God will override our free will on the matter.
God has chosen from the foundations of creation every soul that will be created. He takes personal responsibility for creating those souls in the wombs of the mothers. So to say that it is not God's time for me to have a baby, I'd have to ask in return, "How do you think that baby got there?" God is the one who takes credit for knitting these souls together in the mother's womb. Psalm 139 goes as far as to say that all our days were numbered even BEFORE we were knit together in the womb. God had these babies planned and purposed in His heart even while the Spirit hovered over the waters in Genesis chapter one. Even then Samuel Zechariah, Hannah Grace, Michaela Dianne, Jeremiah Daniel, Josiah David, Caitlyn Elizabeth and Michael Gabriel were on His mind. Their plan and purpose was already stated!
Only God could have known their purpose was to be created for heavenly worship of the Father. So please know and understand it was God's perfect timing for these babies. We just have to face the harsh reality; God's will for these children was different than our will for them. And yet their heavenly purpose here on earth was fully completed in God's eyes. I am often left to wonder if their earthly purpose was to create a deeper faith in me… or maybe even in you. You have walked through these trials with me as a very faithful friend. I cannot help but think you have grown in faith right alongside me.
Do you remember the time when I lost the twins? Jeremiah and Josiah… what a tough time. Of all the losses that was the most unique situation. I actually birthed their tiny little bodies.
Losing a baby by miscarriage brings a whole new dimension when you have a body to deal with. We had no idea what to do. The hospital said they would just throw the baby in the trashcan of hazardous waste material since it was just "tissue". In all my life I never saw "tissue" that looked so fully human! You could see his head, his eyes, his spine… there was no doubt he was a baby, not tissue. We refused to let the hospital dispose of the baby. The only thing our conscience would allow was for us to bury the babies… only it was too late to get Jeremiah's body back. So we left with Josiah's body in a specimen cup and began planning a funeral.
I remember you being very uncomfortable with the idea of a funeral for a miscarried baby. You said that you were not certain how other people would react and you feared this would be a stumbling block for a "weaker brother". I wracked my brain trying to figure out what you meant by that, yet I was too hurt to ask. By the time I had gone through the grieving process it seemed so far removed to bring it up so late after the fact. But since we are sharing our hearts here, do you mind if I ask you some questions about that now?
I went and looked up the passage you were referring to about the weaker brother in Romans chapter 14. The whole chapter was about not allowing our liberties to cause another brother to sin. I really tried to understand your analogy, but I was truly lost. Why did you feel that by burying my baby it would cause another weaker brother in our church to sin?
I was so concerned that I would offend you or someone else that we truly limited the people we invited to the funeral. I could not figure out why anyone would be offended unless they felt that the "miscarriage" was not truly a human soul, a baby. I know that no one would be offended at the burial of a baby that was "born" so I just could not understand at all why burying my miscarried baby would cause someone to sin or stumble. That was the only conclusion I could come up with. Please forgive me for waiting so long to ask you this… but it just seemed too much time had passed to ask before, and now that we are at this point of loss again, it just crossed my mind to ask. Is there truly an issue people in our church body that do not see the unborn as human souls? Please hear my heart when I say this. If that is the case, don't you think would be a doctrinal error that would need to be addressed from the pulpit and the truth concerning the sanctity of human life taught?
My precious pastor once preached a sermon that was like a healing balm to my soul. It was about a woman named Rizpah in the Old Testament that kept guard over the bodies of her sons that had been publically hanged. She watched over those corpses for months and shewed away the birds of the air that would try to eat the flesh of her children. I think my pastor understood more than anyone in the world that day why I simply could not let them throw my baby's body in the trash. Even in death, as a mother, I had an instinct that would not allow harm to come to my child's remains. A proper Christian burial was essential in our grieving and healing process. And though you did not feel comfortable attending the service, I know in your own way you prayed for us to have closure and that you truly grieved with us for our loss.
It is only because I love you so much, and because you have been so faithful to walk with us through all our heartaches and losses, that I even bother trying to explain all that I have. You are precious and dear to our family. I just hope and pray that this has somehow helped you understand a bit more about how and why we grieve.
With much love,
Dawn
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